OK, onto my thoughts on "Love and Women"...
At the tender age of 26, almost 27, I can finally admit that I have a problem. I am a bit of a strange guy, with goals and interests that are fairly atypical of people in my age group. Specifically, as described in my prior post, I have an incredible drive to succeed in life both financially and intellectually. I'm looking to have truly lived life to its fullest, and not settle for anything less... As a result, when looking at potential mates, for either short or long-term relationships, I have a tough time identifying strong complements. Usually, i find myself entirely attracted to what would be reffered to as "the wrong people" by colleagues, friends and loved ones. This classification is made because most of these people believe I need to end up with someone who's a business-type go-getter, a religiously inclined complement, or simply someone more like them. God, it can be a nightmare sometimes...
Let me first say that I love all those people I mentioned a second ago. They are all important to me in my life for all kinds of reasons. However, I am now 100% confident that none of them have the faintest clue what I am looking for in a mate and what I need to be happy. Part of this is due to the transformation I have undergone these last 12 months, while away from these people. The other part has to do with the many hats that I wear, depending on the different people and the context I am in. As a result, there are only a handful of folks who have a clue as to my global personality, not just a single facet of such - this issue historically led to several poor "set ups" with women of all walks of life in NYC.
I stopped agreeing to be set up with people about 3.5 years ago, after I had a strong conversation with a college friend about who she had recently set me up with. I find that in a "set up" situation, you learn more about your friend/colleague/family member than you learn about your date. Who they select? Why? Was it superficial ("well, you both were single" or "she looks like your ex") or was it deeper than that? Fascinating information that one can take as a clear assessment of your friend's view of you and your value to greater society :-) (maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point).
So, what motivates this whole topic - recently a relationship that I had had in Singapore ended somewhat abruptly. She was a bright, attractive young lady that I randomly met at a Jewish singles event in Singapore (I know what you're thinking, and yes, its completely ridiculous that anyone would meet at such an event). At first, I felt that we spent time together out of complete necessity - e.g. we were the only two Jewish single people in our age range in Singapore... Additionally, I met her about 5 days into my new program in a new city/country, with new friends, etc. and was not sure where this could go, if anywhere. However, we did hit it off, and spent many nights and weekends talking, chatting, IMing, texting and hanging out.
After months of spending time together, I began to realize that she was someone who was becoming quite important to me. While we lived very different lives during the day, we were able to connect quite well and share experiences. Last December, I went on a family trip to Jerusalem, Israel. On the last day, I was spending time with my parents in Tel Aviv, and was randomly surprised by a greeting from my long-lost friend from Singapore. Well, I dont know if it was the many days I spent with my family, the big smile she gave me, the way she looked, the way she smelled, or the long, comfortable hug we took at the Dizengoff fountain, but that moment changed my life. I realized that I really wanted to be with her...
Of course, when I returned to Singapore, I realized that she would not be back for another 5 weeks or so, since she was travelling the globe. When we finally met up in late February in Singapore, we agreed to take our relationship more seriously. From then on, we had a great few weeks, spending more time together and truly getting to know one another.
During this time, I was toying with the idea of working in Shanghai or Tel Aviv post-INSEAD, and decided to ask her advice (and see if she'd be up for joining me). The conversation was a bit uneasy at first, but it seemed that she would be up for it. Over the next few weeks, we got a bit intense in some discussions, often led by me, in which we began discussing a potential future together... Things became intense...
Very intense... I recall about 2 wks later, the two of us chatted about how she did not want to go to either one of these two places, as NYC had been her focal point for some time. It was painful to hear, to be quite honest - after all, the intensity of the prior weeks had led me to think a lot more long-term than i'd normally like to...
This became a point of tension, one that would ultimately unravel the relationship at the seams. You see, the fundamental issue here was the fact that both our lives were coming to a major turning point, a fork in a road if you will, and ironically, as Robert Frost would figure, we both took the road not taken - just not the same road. After that decision, it was inevitable that the relationship would decline and fall apart. Of course, at this point I had invested a lot of my heart in this, so it was hard to see that rationale...
Ultimately, we broke up a few weeks later, after a series of crazy evenings in which 'trust', a pillar of our relationship until that turning point, came into question in a big way (for the record, I started getting paranoid, and likely did not really trust her, not necessarily the other way around). So, I left Singapore a heart-broken young man, about to spend two months in France and more importantly, about to continue my grand quest alone...
So, why did i tell you all this? Besides the general therapy it provided me to share it with people, I want to share my observations and what I learned from this relationship, and how it ties into my general philosophy on "Love and Women".
When I first left New York City all those months ago, I was not in such great spirits, having been working hard up until the minute I would leave the country and leaving behind my friends, my family, my life, everything I knew and loved to travel abroad. I was exited for the experience to come, but was also concerned about how it might impact my life. Specifically, I was convinced by many folks that if I made this kind of move and ended up in Asia, I might have a tough time meeting my eventual soulmate/partner. What I've realized, and it comes as a major principle for me, is:
#1 - Wherever you are, you can find a mate. In fact, I believe that its easier to meet Jewish girls in Singapore, Kathmandu or Shenzhen, China than it is to meet them in New York City. Why is that? Well, for me, I am looking for an oddball traveler who wants to be a citizen of the world and explore its every nook and cranny. Those people most likely do not live in New York City, a place notorious for life-longers to live and breathe. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with New Yorkers (I am one for god's sake), but they may not be as adventurous as I am, on average.
#2 - You can tell a lot about a person within 5 minutes of meeting them. Yes, this is earthsshattering, but I truly believe it, having conducted hundreds of interviews at work, met tons of people and gone on countless dates. Usually, you know if the person you're chatting with is "good different" or "bad different" within 5 minutes. If they're "the same", I get scared immediately, but maybe that's what turns you on...
#3 - Interesting alone will not work. I've dated a couple of people whom i'd love to study in a lab. They're the most fascinating creatures who are excited by things that I dont even comprehend or realize. And yet, if that's all there is, it will not last long. There must be mutual fascination and an intimacy shared between the two people in order for a real relationship to transpire.
#4 - Crazy can be a good thing. I know this sounds weird, but I believe that a partner who is crazy is not necessarily a bad thing. Now, I don't mean you should go out and date a bunch of cannibals or something, but I do believe that there is excitement involved in dating "the crazy folk". When I think crazy, i mean entrepreneurs, artists, writers, singers, novelists, poets, who live lives that are extreme by most people's standards. Why are these people fantastic - because their enthusiasm can take you by storm and set you on a path you might have otherwise never taken. Now obviously, it is so hard to cope with folks of this kind, because they "are crazy", but I'd have to argue that if a spiritual connection can be made, these are the very best people to be with.
#5 - Appearance is important. Yeah, I know its terrible. I wish I didnt have to say this, b/c i know i'll get crap for it, but I know how important appearances are. One's appearance provides the counter party a (albeit shallow) view into how you view yourself, your company, and the world. Now, that does not mean you need manicured fingers and fancy clothes to appear proper, but it does mean that one who is "put together" as my mom would say, stands out from those who don't. Its important and something I do care about.
#6 - Risk-takers and Challenge-seekers - apply here. I am addicted to risk-taking and challenges myself, often taking on unnecessary roles in order to achieve something even greater than initially anticipated. I need someone who can take a similar approach to life. "Immigrant Mentality" is a must as well...
OK, so these are my first few thoughts. Obviously, nothing is perfect and I do have more to say on this topic at some point in the future. Let me end by saying this: I will really miss my relationship with this young lady. She was my muse and a form of inspiration to me in the way she conducted herself and her life. We did not always see eye to eye, and we definitely knew how to push each other's buttons, but the fundamental chemistry was strong.
1 Comments:
That was very...raw. You make a huge assumption when you say that for the record you were the one who did not trust. It appears that our lack of trust was mutual. This makes sense, in the end, for many reasons that I won't go into here. Our relationship, in a friendship sense, is not lost; you make it seem a bit as if we've drifted apart forever. A bit dramatic, no?
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